Kinky Hay Slide

What kind of message are the extraterrestrials trying to send? Unfortunately I couldn't find an aerial picture of this crop formation. (Crop circle seems like the wrong word.)

Corn-circle hoax no joke to family

By Jens Dana, Deseret Morning News
Wednesday, September 26, 2007

PLEASANT GROVE, Utah — An obscene crop circle in a Utah County corn maze is more likely a hoax perpetrated by prurient-minded vandals, the owners said, rather than the work of extraterrestrial visitors.
In any case, Hee Haw Farms owners Kyle and Chalise Smith certainly aren't hee-hawing about the prank.
"Somebody thought they'd be funny," Kyle Smith said. "But we're not laughing.
Two strategically positioned circles, each measuring 36 feet in diameter, and a 100-foot-long rectangle appeared near the maze entrance in the southwest portion of the nine-acre corn field over Labor Day weekend. From the ground they appear random, but from above the shapes' placement appears more strategic, not to mention anatomically correct.
"If I told you what it was, you couldn't print it in the newspaper," Kyle Smith said.
He said a corn maze employee noticed the unusual patterns in the corn field and brought it to his attention Sept. 6. It appears a group of vandals sneaked into the field under the cover of night and used two-by-fours to stamp down the corn stalks to make the crop circles, he suspects.
"It just irritates you," he said. "It's no different than someone pouring a gallon of gas into your back yard and lighting a match."

Kyle Smith carries daughter Chloe through a circle of trampled corn in the middle of his 9-acre maze at Hee Haw Farms in Pleasant Grove. (Jason Olson, Deseret Morning News)

The Smiths estimate they lost $1,000 in crops, but the pranksters could have cost the family much more than that. The vandalism could have cost Hee Haw Farm a large sum of revenue generated from thousands of people who frequent the maze.
"They don't realize this is a business," Chalise Smith said. "It's something more than a patch of corn."
Pleasant Grove police don't have any leads yet, Kyle Smith said, but he's certain something will surface eventually.
"You know how kids are," he said. "Someone will start bragging sooner or later."
In the meantime, the fifth-generation owners of the 147-year-old corn field intend to open the maze for its seventh season on Friday, as previously scheduled.
"We're not gonna let them do this to us," he said.
The Smiths won't be able to completely repair the damage made by the crop circles, so they'll work around them and include some extra features.
Chalise said they will use the rectangular area to build a 30-foot hay slide. They may also set up an area for younger children to play while older people wind their way through the maze. She said they've also been thinking of setting up alien scenes in the two crop circles along with information about similar occurrences across the world.
"I don't think it was aliens who did this," she emphasized.

Reader comments

Anonymous | 9:32 a.m. Sept. 21, 2007
I cannot think of what two circles and one rectangle could make that would be so obscene that a newspaper couldn't print but if someone out there figures it out please let me know.

ROSWELL JUNKIE | 9:39 a.m. Sept. 21, 2007
It was aliens for sure.

Pat | 10:14 a.m. Sept. 21, 2007
The clue is 'Anatomically Correct'. And way to make the best of a not-so-good situation.

Paul | 12:17 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
I am not sure how this costs them over $1,000 in loss. I also don't see how this will affect there business THAT much. Granted if I was in his shoes I would be upset. But don't you anticipate that this is going to happen at some point, not the 'anatomically correct' sketch but someone doing some crop drawing. You hear about these stories all the time. Join the list buddy. There are vandals in every business. Sad but true. Keep your head up, you just got a load of free publicity. I will pay to come check it out and hit your maze. I am sure that will make up for your $1,000 loss.

soandso | 12:19 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
Maybe they should refocus their business - surely kids would pay money to come party at a giant 'anatomically' correct field party :)

DBG | 1:10 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
Couldn't two circles and a rectangle be like a face? Two eyes and a mouth??

RangerGordon | 1:28 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
What's so obscene about this ancient fertility symbol? During prehistory, people carved this symbol all the time into rock walls, giant earthworks and shrines to ensure the harvest. It's certainly not akin to pouring gasoline into the backyard and lighting a match. I bet they'll have a bumper crop next year.

Typhoid Mary | 5:43 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
Let the punishment fit the crime -- death penalty.

Pictures? | 7:16 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
Pics or it didn't happen

foodlion | 9:05 p.m. Sept. 21, 2007
yeah they're right I wanna see pictures

E.T. | 12:06 a.m. Sept. 22, 2007
Aliens Again, my brotha

Wondering | 12:05 a.m. Sept. 23, 2007
Why, if this vandalism occurred on Sept. 6, is this story appearing in the paper two and a half weeks later at a time that coincides with the opening of the corn maze to the public? Is this just a publicity stunt?


Note: if you've read this far, you might as well go see Hee Haw Farms at: Hee Haw Farms : "one of Utah County’s favorite fall and Halloween destinations and the home of Leroy, our famous 1200 pound pet pig."

Flunk Math & Write City Code

Every month I am the lucky recipient of the Clearfield City Monthly newsletter ... "In your mailbox every month!". It's filled with all the latest events in town, and the September 2007 issue has a new feature called "City Code of the Month", described as follows:

Each month we will feature a city code ordinance relevant to recent citizen inquiries or seasonal timeliness. To view a complete listing of Clearfield City Ordinances please visit http://www.clearfieldcity.org, under "Government" click on "Municipal Code".

City Code of the Month

Code 6-1C-3 Number of Dogs and Cats Per Residence

No person at any one residence within this jurisdiction shall at any one time own, harbor, license or maintain more than a combination of three (3) dogs and/or cats in any combination, except as otherwise provided in this chapter. For example: a person could own one dog and two (2) cats, or two (2) dogs and one cat, or two (2) cats and no dogs or two (2) dogs and no cats. (Ord. 2006-05, 4-25-2006)

Testicle Festival

at least the veterinarian has a sense of humor... but i hope the "20 percent off" refers to the PRICE, not the procedure.


Photo © Kristin Samet

Beer for Breakfast

If you're going to lie around the house and drink beer all day, you've got to start early in the morning.

There are only three states left that have 3.2 percent alcohol level beer laws: Kansas, South Carolina and Utah. In the Land of Zion, the maximum alcohol content for beer and malt beverages is four percent by volume, or 3.2 percent by weight. Packaged beer is also available at supermarkets, grocery, and convenience stores. There are also lots of time restrictions and old Blue Laws still in effect here.

Recently, I stopped at a convenience store on my way home from buying some Mexican take-out to get a Corona. It was the middle of summer, and the temps were in the 90s at night. An ice cold Corona with my Macho Taco sounded great.
The first thing that stuck me as odd was when I attempted to open the door to the beer cooler at the store and found it was locked. It was rather late at night and I thought perhaps they had it locked for security reasons. I approached the counter and asked the clerk if she could get me a beer from the cooler. She seemed confused at my request and asked the other clerk if they could sell me a beer.
He replied, "No, sorry, it's Sunday and we can't sell you any beer tonight". Heck, I didn't even know what day it was, so I said, OK, "Could I just buy some cigarettes, then?" which they were happy to sell me. (Guess it depends upon the sin, as to which one they'll let you commit).
As he was ringing up my smokes, he said "Sorry about the beer, but we can't sell any beer until 7 am".
I started laughing and replied "Oh, ok, so it's cool to have beer for breakfast, but not with my late night taco?". He and the other clerk finally laughed, but I'm sure as soon as I left the store they began to pray for my heathen soul.

Just two months later, Utah has a whole new slew of anti-alcohol legislation being proposed. The only place to get "real" alcohol here is from Utah State-Owned liquor stores. There are a number of these stores cleverly hidden throughout the state. They are closed on Sundays, holidays and other designated times. Lack of competition keeps the selection severely limited. Prices for wine and liquor are fixed with a minimum of 61% mark-up over cost, plus high state taxes. For real beer, the mark-up is 75% plus taxes, making the retail cost of some six-packs well over $10. Because of all this, the small community of Evanston, Wyoming (located about 70 miles east of Salt Lake City just over the Utah border) enjoys a busy economy based on the large number of retail liquor stores located along Interstate 80.

Today, the Utah Attorney General made a presentation to the Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control Board regarding flavored malt beverages. He is proposing changes to the law so that malt liquors are sold only in state liquor stores and insists the drinks should be taken off grocery store shelves even though none of the beverages contain more than 3.2 percent alcohol, the same requirement for beer sold in grocery stores. The Utah Attorney General said "Experts are telling us that girls are favoring these products as opposed to beer. Many say they don't like the taste of beer, but the watermelon and other fruit flavors they do like." He explained that flavored malt beverages, or so-called "Alcoholpops," do not get their alcohol from the fermentation process like beer, but from alcohol-based flavorings that are added in. He said it's the manufacturers' way to avoid classifying these drinks as "distilled spirits," as in hard liquor.

One of the main issues with the drinks is how they look. "Mike's Hard Lemonade," for example, looks like lemonade but has an alcohol content of 3.2, just like beer.

"In one study it showed that over 40 percent of all ‘alcoholpops' produced are consumed by underage drinkers," said the chairman of the Utah Alcohol Policy Coalition. "These fruity flavored, soda pop-like beverages are teaching our kids how to drink," said the chairman of the citizen group Alcohol Policy Coalition, and called the flavored beverages "alcohol on training wheels".

Currently, beverages such as Mike's Hard Lemonade are treated like beer by the state. That means as long as the brewed beverages contain less than 3.2 percent alcohol, they can be sold outside state liquor stores and are taxed at a lower rate.If commissioners succeed in moving the beverages to the state's 38 liquor stores and 100 package agencies, with the markup of the beverages in state controlled stores being 86 percent, it would nearly double the cost of the beverages.


The Utah Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission will also decide whether to require retail stores to post more signs and warnings about alcohol contained in beverages such as Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Silver and Jack Daniel's Original Hard Cola and energy drinks including Peels and Tilt. Restrictions also would make it illegal for taverns to sell the drinks, said the owner of B&B Billiards of Brigham City, who added "it's the only alternative to beer that I've got."

The state liquor warehouse and retail outlets don't have enough room to stock low-alcohol malt beverages. The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control said it lacks refrigerated shelf space in its stores to handle the alcoholic colas, lemonade and fruit-flavored drinks, and its warehouse can't keep the perishable potables cold enough. "The first thing I wondered when I heard the attorney general's proposal was, 'Where are we going to put it? We don't have space in our stores.'" the ABC director said.

Many of the residents in the tourist town of Park City in Utah are unhappy with the passage of still more anti-alcohol laws by the state. “I’m mortified” said a Park City council member. “It’s just one more thing about Utah to laugh at. It’s embarrassing.” Another resident said the negative laws reinforce the perception that Utah is a “cultish state outside of mainstream America.” He said the problem is caused by teetotaling legislators regulating something they know nothing about. “It’s like finding someone who doesn’t know how to swim and asking them to organize a swim meet.” A resident of Salt Lake City said the State’s “out-of-touch laws are born in a fantasy world,” and are ineffective in imposing abstinence.

"What we're talking about here is fraud," the Utah Attorney General said of the malt-based beverages, created by taking much of the alcohol out of beer and substituting alcohol-based flavorings. One wonders about where the fraud is occuring, though. The fact is that alcohol sales through the state liquor stores provide a major source of income to the state's general fund. Recently, gross sales totaled $138 million with a net profit of $28 million. This profit was contributed to the general fund to "support state government operation". Isn't that exactly what writes the attorney general's paycheck? By moving the malt beverages from the grocery stores to state liquor stores it will increase the State of Utah's alcohol sales revenue even more. Hmmm...

Tour From HELL: Timpanogos Cave

Living in a place like Utah is never without surprises.
That's why when I learned of this fascinating cave system relatively near me, I thought it would be a great thing to do for a nice field trip. Certainly, the description of the cave starts out pleasantly enough, and had I not read further I could possibly have been convinced to actually visit this wonderful spot!

"Timpanogos Cave National Monument sits high in the Wasatch Mountains. The cave system consists of three spectacularly decorated caverns. The cave (actually a system of three limestone caves) is the main focus of the National Monument. To take the cave tour is about an hour long, and you have to go in with a ranger."


American Fork Canyon

Though being slightly claustrophobic, I thought an hour poking around a cave on a guided tour sounded fun. That is, until I read the following:

"As visitors climb to the cave entrance, on a hike gaining over 1,000 feet in elevation, they are offered incredible views of American Fork Canyon."

CLIMB to the cave entrance??? Do they also issue rappelling gear? I began to think twice about this, yet I read on:

"To get to the cave for the tour, there is a 1 1/2 mile hike up a paved trail that ascends over 1100 feet. Several benches along the way offer the weary hiker some rest."

Being a native Floridian, I recall how difficult it was to become accustomed to the regular 6000 foot elevation here with the very thin, smoggy air which reduces normally healthy folks to panting and wheezing wimps for most of the winter (which, by the way is approximately 11 out of 12 months of the year in Northern Utah). Still thinking of going, I told myself "OK, a mile and half- that should be ok as long as it's not 105 degrees". Then it dawned on me how steep the incline would have to be to ascend 1100 feet in that short of a distance. Red flags of warning began to go off and visions of hospital stretchers danced in my head.

Where are the Flying Wallendas?

Where are the advertised benches?

Not good if you have acrophobia


While still foolishly considering a visit, the tour guide mentioned casually:

"This cave system is known for its abundance of helictites, its formation colorations, its fault-line views and its alpine surroundings. Along the cave tour, visitors can see these fault lines running along the passages."

WHAT WAS THAT? FAULT-LINE VIEWS??? As in....... EARTHQUAKES???
This wasn't sounding so great at this point, BUT WAIT: There are some words of comfort from our travel guide:

"The ranger told us that in the event of an earthquake, we were safer in the cave, right under the fault line than we would be outside. Because when an earthquake happens, the sonic waves emanate out and the fault line stays still."

OK.... so I'm deep underground, still gasping and wheezing from my long uphill climb in the wafer-thin air. Suddenly the earth begins to move (my apologies to Carole King) and I find myself in a hole in the ground in Utah. The fault line might, in fact, stay still, but what about the cave and the mountain atop the cave during this earthquake? Won't all that geography be jiggling around like a bowl of Utah Jell-O?
Visions of being trapped in a rural mining disaster flashed before my eyes.


Entrance to Timpanogos Cave


Jello - Utah's Official Snack Food

The rest of the guide disclosed some other fascinating experiences one might have during this excursion:

"ROCKFALL can occur at any point on the trail. Most of the time rockfall may be heard before it is seen."

MOST OF THE TIME? What about the REST of the time? Do they have stealth rockfall, too???

"The areas of the greatest amount of rockfall are marked with a red stripe."

Why, what a handy color! Must save on clean-up expenses...


Color-coded for your convenience

"When rockfall is heard, immediately duck down on the inside of the trail, close to the wall, and cover your head with your hands and arms. Remember not to stop in the red striped areas."

I get the duck and cover part. Probably would come naturally. But, what if the rock fall occurs in the red striped areas (where it's most likely to happen) and you "remember not to stop"? What are you supposed to do when you see the boulders come rolling downhill at you? Jump off the cliff???? And why don't they issue mandatory helmets for all hikers dumb enough to go on this excursion.. or is this some backwards type of Darwinian experimental management technique in a state that's still fighting over whether they should teach evolution in public schools?

One visitor found their experience at the cave so exciting, they were compelled to write the following comments about their visit: "The tour guide [appears at the cave's] entrance. From here you get a 10-15 minute introduction and get-to-know-you-better session. You might want to bring your No-Doz. Inside the anticlimactic Hansen Cave, I asked the tour guide how long the tour would take. Her response was something like "You ain't going no where, HA HA HA!"


A little too long in the wilderness?

Well, friends, as if all this doesn't sound like enough fun, you can apparently have some close encounters of the wildlife kind while on your Trail O' Death to the cave, as is evidenced by this bit of historical data:

"The legend goes that Martin Hansen, a Mormon Settler from American Fork, followed mountain lion tracks while out hunting and discovered the caves in 1887. It has been well documented that mountain lions use other rock shelters in American Fork Canyon. In winter it is common to see the big cat's tracks along the trail."

Apparently, it is home to other friendly critters, as well....


Beastie warning


Tipanogos Ear Bat

If you're not anywhere NEAR this adventurous, through the miracle of the internet, you don't have to be! There is a Timpanogos Cave National Monument virtual field trip online for free.

"As a part of the trip you may “hike” the 1.5-mile trail up the North wall of the American Fork Canyon, which leads to the Timpanogos cave system. You will then be able to explore the passages in the caves that are accessible during cave tours. Along the way to the caves, you can stop to see beautiful scenery and sites of geologic interest."

And to think - you can do all this WHILE STILL BREATHING!!!

You may take the virtual tour at:
Timpanogos Cave - A Virtual Experience

I'm almost ready for my online tour, but first just let me finish painting this red stripe across my desk chair.